Well I think it is finally beginning to sink in that I am acting like a total idiot. I am sitting here literally pining away for someone who not only lied to me, hurt me, but to top all of that off, did not even have the balls to contact to let me know he was no longer in love with me.
SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? I mean seriously!
So, here is the brief awakening story…of course with my life coach…I am a total one note. So we met yesterday. I am dialing the phone thinking…I don’t want to face any of this today. I am not going to talk about any of this. I am sick of this topic. I am sick of being sad. This is really hard. Needless to say that is not what happened. I began to go into my usual rant of why doesn’t he want me, blah blah blah, what did I do, blah blah blah, you get the drift. So the nerve of my coach says…let’s look at this differently. The way you are thinking about this is BACKASSWARDS. She says, the real question is…why would you want him? Is that really the type of guy that want? And yes, she went on to say…you went through hell to get divorced, spent three years working on yourself, making sure your kids were on the right track, putting your relationship with them first, entering into co-parenting counseling with your ex…and what? Now this guy, who has hurt you and played around with you is the answer? The one? I stopped. I felt sick. I got mad. At first I got mad at her, then him, then myself. All valid points. All great perspective. I have been focusing so much on the why? Like he was some man of all men…and in reality…not so much.
It is so hard to look at the reality of these situations. You know how some people like to make others the bad guy, like villanize them? Well, with guys…I totally do the opposite. I was told it was called canonizing. Like they are the almighty, they are everything. I don’t stop to look at the real situation. So, here it is people in the blog-o-verse…the moment of truth…my next assignment. I feel like I might throw up in my mouth but I gotta do this if I ever hope to change my ways. I have been assigned to make a realistic list of everything that really went down in this relationship. See it for what it really was and face my music. Judgement be damned…let’s see how caught up I really was at the idea of this boy.
Met him in late October of 2013.
We immediately connected and were on the phone for hours.
We met face to face a couple of weeks later and the sparks were amazing.
Here is the background (nothing too personal, just the basics) He has two ex-wives, two kids from one marriage and another from the second. He is completely at their whim. He travels for his job. Within the last eight years…he has had two divorces, lost both of his parents, his brother and a close friend of his. We are both similar in the ways of love falling in love. Fall fast.
And that is exactly what happened. Within that next week we committed to each other. Everything was going well. Then a couple months in he told me he loved me. I admit I was scared. He told me there was nothing to be scared of. I told him I loved him too. We went out a couple of days later and then after that…he completely backed off. After a week of me feeling I was chasing him about…he texted me saying he could not do this and broke up with me.
For the next couple of months we connected via text. A lot of it was hard. I missed him. We would talk about how we wanted things to be with us. He always found the right things to say. We saw each other a few times and it was always great. Then I decided I needed to back off. I was under a lot of stress with this whole thing with him. After 12 weeks, I contacted him and he was right back in it again. We got together, we talked things out and I really believed that this was it. Finally we were coming together. Yeah, I was so wrong. Like stupid wrong. For a good month or so things were just okay. And then he seemed to disappear again. I called him. No response. I finally sent him a message telling him how I felt and what I wanted. That is when I got the message back saying that he did not feel that way about us anymore, that he was sorry and that he was just not that man. The next morning I woke up to see on Facebook that some girl tagged him stating that she was in a relationship with him. He had sent her flowers a few days before that and she had posted this sappy thing on his wall.
OUCH! So, I am a fool. I just so badly want to be loved. I want to meet my penguin. I wanted him to be my penguin. That is what I thought. But after my stupid fucking life coach broke it down like that…which I am sure she had done before and I just was not ready to hear it…I see now. He is not my penguin. My penguin would not treat me like that. And then I read this article. I posted the link in my last blog post. It was amazing and opened my eyes further.
I drew an X on my hand, every time now that I find myself thinking about him…I look down and it reminds me that he is a NO!
Going to barf now…
m.
from the mind of a broken heart 