I Saw His Name

I saw his name. He posted on a mutual friends of ours wall and my heart sank. I want to be doing better. I thought I was. I know it is a process. I was happy to see that he has not changed his Facebook picture to him and his “new” girlfriend. Is it wrong that I really, really, really want him to hurt her the same way he hurt me? I just want proof that it is him and not me. 

It is hard to be in love with a poophead, a loser, a confused, immature, possible player guy. Who is also hides out and avoids confrontation. It is hard to still have hope. I sometimes think…fuck, if he did not want me…and I am pretty fucking awesome…I mean he did say that I was the best girlfriend ever…and even my ex says that I was an amazing wife…so if he did not want me, what the hell does he want? Well that is the answer…he does not know what he wants. He does feel pretty confident that he is not the man I think he is. I suppose I could be wrong, I mean it has been known to happen, especially concerning my faulty, pain-strickened love life.

I was sitting in my bed last night, watching Masters of Sex, paying bills and has this vision of him walking through my bedroom doors, like we were together. Like we were still a couple. It was an awesome vision. Do I want that with him or just want that with anyone? Is he just the face of my loneliness, my desire, my sadness?

My middle son wants me to get re-married. He is convinced that since his dad just got married that I will be happier having someone. I assure him not to worry, that I am okay. That I have the three of them to love and that I have a ton of love and friends and family in my life. All true…but this missing piece shit is so hard. Then I have a married guy friend of mine convinced and guaranteeing me that once I lick my wounds from this boy that I will meet “the one”! Then I have my coach saying that once I am happy with me and accept me then I will be ready and I will meet “the one”!

My text went off this morning early and for a second…I thought…what if it is him? What if he came to his senses and I am getting a wonderful good morning baby text from him? Every damn time that text ringer goes off…I spend a millisecond praying that it is him.

I was crying Saturday night, shouting/praying to God to send me a sign…show me something…what am I supposed to be doing…because all I seem to be seeing as of late is him. In my brain, on license plates, his name on the TV, everywhere. At that moment, my youngest called me all sad from his dads house. I took that as a sign.

But holy fuck…I miss him so much and I can only really express fully on here or with my coach. My friends have reached their limit, I would not discuss with my family…none of them have ever experienced this type of heartbreak and we are very different in general. I am on these dating sites and it is one bad yuck after another. I asked some guy who contacted me to share a little about himself and his response was “I’m rad”! WTF? My response was nothing! One guy told me he was a DJ and I was like way cool…then he disclosed he was a DJ at a strip club. What? Moving on now.

He, this guy, this love…he felt like he fit. I have never ever felt like that before…even with my ex. I have never felt so connected to another human being before. But none of that matters now. He does not feel that way about us anymore and he is not that man and I have no choice but to move on! I am sad.

 

Sadly blogging out…

m.