So, I am pretty exhausted. I have not been sleeping much for the past week. I think it might be finally catching up with me. Maybe I will be able to head to bed at a decent hour tonight. We shall see. So I had a pretty shitty night. First, I am tired, as we have established, second it has been pretty non stop with my kids, third my stomach hurts from dinner, fourth I almost cried during my guitar lesson tonight…I was not getting the notes and I started feeling like a stupid loser and then thinking no wonder why poophead does not want me. And this new person…probably won’t either. Why am I even wasting my time? If he is available this evening he may be calling or texting. I let him know I would be available after 9 tonight…so we shall see. But with the way I am feeling now…I think poophead may have ruined me for any hope of anything else. If I had trust issues before…my god…now they are totally out of control. If I had doubts about my awesomeness before…they are here big time now. Of course this has nothing to do with how messed up he is…it is all about me and my messiness. I have no experience with any healthy relationships. So, if something is not moving at break neck speed something must be wrong…I guess it would seem normal. I mean I have never causally dated anyone ever. It has always moved right into monogamy like after date one.
As I have said all of this before, and have said that this is my way of processing out all of these feelings…it may get repetitive. But…so now I am sitting here it is 8:44 and I’m like is he or isn’t he going to contact me. I mean he did not respond to the text…which is not so unordinary. But it is a major flag for me. But this could be healthy, cautious, playing it safe. He did say earlier in the week that he would like to chat this week and I was just letting him know that I would have time tonight. Should he have responded to that? I mean when poophead did not respond to me I always knew that something was up, something was wrong. But he is not poophead and I am not supposed to be bringing in my past baggage into anything new. But sometimes it feels like that is all I am. My past. It is too bad, I should just crash, but I know that I will pass out for like a half hour and then wake up and be up for the rest of the damn night. So I am holding out for at least an hour and hopefully I won’t get my second wind.
It would be nice to be over poophead. It would be nice not to think about him. It would be nice not to feel so jilted and damaged by that whole experience. Insecurities are so unattractive.
So, if he contacts me…this will be the first time he has done that on his own without me contacting him first. So yes, my fingers are crossed. Wish me luck!
Blogging out…
M.
from the mind of a broken heart 