Who does that?

I feel like an idiot. Falling for him. Believing him. Lying to myself. All the signs were there, I just did not want to look. I did not want to believe. My life coach called it magical thinking. Like what the fuck does that mean? Is it wrong to want to believe? Is it wrong to believe in people? In men? In love? I can’t believe that I really thought it was all going to work out in my favor!

And now, I am here. In pain. Where is he? Moved on. Moved on to someone else. I wanted to be the bigger person, like oh, this does not bother me. But I had to de-friend him and try to reduce my stalker-ish tendencies. Which of course is driving my bananas. What does she have that I don’t? Why her? Why not me? Why did he feelings change for me? Could I have done something different? Why did I ignore what my body was clearly telling me?

So, if it is not him…which I totally thought it was…like some silly school girl…then who? And when? I want nothing more for him to call me up and say “I was so stupid and wrong…you are the one!” That shit only happens in the minds of movie and TV writers. I have to face the music. I have to know that he was just the first since my divorce and not my last. He was not my penguin. What if I never feel that way again? I am so mad. I want to scream. I want to scream at him. At least I am smart enough to know it would not do anything. Except maybe make me look like an obsessed fool.

Unrequited love is the worst. It is so painful. So he is an ass and I feel like I made an ass out of myself.

 

Regret Hangover

Well after an evening of much needed crying, I am feeling a bit better. This is where it gets hard. I am so hard on myself and just want to be over him. Be on to the next part already. But I clearly have more healing to do. I realize that if I just would have waiting 30 damn seconds I would have realized as much as I am going through he cannot share in that with me. He is not feeling the same way and I have to continue to get my heart and brain around that no matter how much it hurts.  When we are in pain we want someone just to pluck it up and take it away. It just does not  work like that.

I am going to go out amongst the people again and have breakfast and take another stab at the book.

Continuing on the path to better myself…

M.

Here is the excerpt…

Just in case any of you were  wondering what exactly I sent to the poophead, here it is…

“Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s The One just isn’t good enough.”

Once again, I am a total fucking idiot!

It is official…I am a fucking idiot!

That’s right people…after all my strides and my typing and my search for  self discovery I fucked up big  time tonight. We can forget all the bullshit about…oh she is being too hard on herself, give yourself a break, it is a process. BLAH BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT!

So, I will give some background of my weekend and my day just to set up how I tore down some  really great work on myself in one push of a fucking ass button.

I started off with my ex on Saturday telling me  how sorry he was for not being able to be the husband that I deserved and how great I am and how regretful he is, blah  blah blah…like what good does that do me now? NONE!!!! I was supposed to spend a weekend away with one of my best friends and things got mixed up and miscommunication happened and I did not  end up going. (btw, I am using my temporary keyboard so excuse any extra spaces…it is a bit touchy) I picked up my parents at the airport and while I was waiting in the cell  phone lot for them, I had a mini breakdown about poophead  and  ended up sending a message to my friend instead of him just to get it  all out. That was good on my part. So yay for me. I ended up going out with that new  guy on Saturday night and we had a great time. He is a gentlemen and I got a nice hug good bye. I hope he contacts me  and asks me out again.

Sunday was a nice relaxing day.

So, today started off with a session with my coach, which was good. I made some great discoveries and even got a job well done from her. I watched the new Oprah’s Lifeclass about dating…it was very enlightening  and began to read the book Act Like a Lady,  Think Like a Man. So here I am sitting my Starbucks, out, amongst the people, reading…and reading and  I realized  that when I was  reading I was only thinking about poophead. Then  I read this whole paragraph about a women’s love, it was so profound. It moved me…and here we go…yes…I copied the entire paragraph, pulled up my Facebook messenger, found his name,  since I de-friended him and sent it to him.

There we go…YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT AND BORDERING ON CRAZY OBSESSED PERSON. Then I went outside,  cried, went back in  packed up my stuff and left.

What the  hell  is wrong with me? I  mean seriously…upon doing that I  was able  to re-read what he had actually messaged me the last time I  heard from  him. Yes it did say that he  did not feel that way about us anymore…it also said he cared about me  a lot but it doesn’t feel  right for him. And that he cannot give me  what I am looking for. I’m not that man.

And now that I just typed that by looking at it…he saw what I sent to him almost an hour ago. I at least prefaced it by saying something to the effect of I know I am beating a dead horse. Like that somehow makes a difference.

WHY CAN’T I GIVE OVER HIM? Reading this book is  making me sad. Steve Harvey says that if I man does not give you a  title then you  are not in his heart. He has not staked claim over you. He did. But then he did not and now he has on Facebook with that other girl.

I am a fucking fool and I want to run and hide and never appear again. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT. WHY DO I CONTINUE TO DEMEAN MYSELF? AND SETTLE FOR NOTHING? OR AT BEST SCRAPS OF NOTHING?

I am hurting so much. I am in so much pain. All I want for him to do is hop in his car and show up at my door.

(i sadly know that is never, ever, ever going to happen)

M.

Damaged goods?

Is it possible that poophead ruined me? That he broke me? Will I never be able to trust anyone again? Or believe that someone would really be interested in me and want to be with me and part of my life? As far as an update, the new boy did not contact me last night. So, that means I cannot contact him again without him making the move. It is good to have those boundaries in place. It is good to know my limits and how to take care of myself…thank you coach. But it is hard. In someways I am still a schoolgirl. I think if I am there at every turn than the boy will think about me more, consider me more, want me more…but it is actually the exact opposite. But we don’t learn that until we are much older.

I am still hoping of course that I do hear from him…but we shall see. If I don’t hear from him, it does not mean that there is anything wrong with me, it just means it was not right and I am back at it. Which I cannot express enough how much I do not want to be there at all!

My coach brought up something so interesting in our session..she asked me why I thought I hinge my acceptance on whether I am in a relationship. Damn, that through me. It took me a moment to ponder. Of course my initial reaction was I don’t know. Then she called me out and asked me to think about it for a second. I am still working on putting the pieces all together but I think that it has something to do with a sign to society that I am cool or worthy of someones love. It is certainly a child like habit. Like I am super important because I have a guy. Again, like I am accepted in some way. I don’t know typing it out it sounds so silly. Why wouldn’t I feel that way about me anyway. If someone was going to judge me on that…wouldn’t they look at the type of person I am and not whether I possess a man’s love? I think this has been so important to me that it has clearly lead me to make super wrong decisions about guys. Forget poophead or my ex-husband…I could look back at every single romantic type of relationship that I have had and I have made every compromise possible just to be able to say that I had a boyfriend. So, I am being treated bad, being taken for granted, abused, used…and doesn’t that say more about me than whether I am in a relationship? Where am I in all of this? Don’t I love myself? Don’t I respect myself? What would be so bad about taking care of me and my feelings and keeping those safe and protected? I would imagine that doing that would be much better than just being able to say…hey world…I have a boyfriend. Okay, gotta take this to my coach.

Moving on my path…blogging out…

M.

Sad, scared, mad, sleepy

So, I am pretty exhausted. I have not been sleeping much for the past week. I think it might be finally catching up with me. Maybe I will be able to head to bed at a decent hour tonight. We shall see.  So I had a pretty shitty night. First, I am tired, as we have established, second it has been pretty non stop with my kids, third my stomach hurts from dinner, fourth I almost cried during my guitar lesson tonight…I was not getting the notes and I started feeling like a stupid loser and then thinking no wonder why poophead does not want me. And this new person…probably won’t either. Why am I even wasting my time? If he is available this evening he may be calling or texting. I let him know I would be available after 9 tonight…so we shall see. But with the way I am feeling now…I think poophead may have ruined me for any hope of anything else. If I had trust issues before…my god…now they are totally out of control. If I had doubts about my awesomeness before…they are here big time now. Of course this has nothing to do with how messed up he is…it is all about me and my messiness. I have no experience with any healthy relationships. So, if something is not moving at break neck speed something must be wrong…I guess it would seem normal. I mean I have never causally dated anyone ever. It has always moved right into monogamy like after date one.

As I have said all of this before, and have said that this is my way of processing out all of these feelings…it may get repetitive.  But…so now I am sitting here it is 8:44 and I’m like is he or isn’t he going to contact me. I mean he did not respond to the text…which is not so unordinary. But it is a major flag for me. But this could be healthy, cautious, playing it safe. He did say earlier in the week that he would like to chat this week and I was just letting him know that I would have time tonight. Should he have responded to that? I mean when poophead did not respond to me I always knew that something was up, something was wrong. But he is not poophead and I am not supposed to be bringing in my past baggage into anything new. But sometimes it feels like that is all I am. My past. It is too bad, I should just crash, but I know that I will pass out for like a half hour and then wake up and be up for the rest of the damn night. So I am holding out for at least an hour and hopefully I won’t get my second wind.

It would be nice to be over poophead. It would be nice not to think about him. It would be nice not to feel so jilted and damaged by that whole experience. Insecurities are so unattractive.

So, if he contacts me…this will be the first time he has done that on his own without me contacting him first. So yes, my fingers are crossed. Wish me luck!

Blogging out…

M.

Fuck You iTunes!

Crazy start to my morning. Had another difficult sleep. Got the kids out the door, thankfully no one was late. I spend some down time at Starbucks. Get home, and getting some work done. Then…thank you not iTunes…first I hear Queen, Find me somebody to love and now Death Cab for Cutie, I will Possess you. I am having a heavy poophead morning and at the same time wishing new guy would text me. Can you say fucking damn mess? I can. I am.

Ya’ know what would be really great? To be able to focus on me and my work and my life and not guys. I seriously am having all of these ideas in my head about emailing poophead, texting poophead…I mean am I dense? Is my brain too thick? Can nothing get in there? My coach would say that I am processing and that this is normal. But damn…when is this part over already? I did not even grieve over my ex-husband like this. Maybe I spent so many years in this lopsided marriage which was all about him…that someone gives me a little attention and affection…I am all over it. I am hungry for it. I want more. I am like a junkie for this feeling. I mean is it really poophead or that feeling? I know I have written this before…but that is what this blog is for…to get this all out. To purge. I just can’t stand this idea or him using me. Or waiting for something else to come along. Like, what is that? I know it has to do with him. I mean as one of my friends says, there is a reason why he has been divorced twice and why he is in it one minute and then the next minute not. I really really really wanted him to be the one. But he is not. One of my guy friends says that maybe he is but the timing is so off. But the more time that passes and I gain all of this perspective I really don’t think that is the truth, as much as I would like it to be. Ya’ know it is definitely a combination of not wanting to be out there, in the midst of all the scary guys out there and to tell you honestly, I am looking for a specific type of person so it makes it all the more difficult. So I realize it is not just poophead, it is the whole thing.

I am not the most patient of people, to say the least. I want everything now. Instant gratification. NOW NOW NOW. I am kind of like Veruca Salt. It is actually one of the many reasons I am seeing a coach…one of the many, many reasons. Clearly, I have a lot to work through with myself. Do you ever feel like you have one person inside of you but another one comes out? Like you are in a battle with yourself? Well, that is me. It is helping. But again, I am so impatient…I want it all fixed up now and move forward.

Okay, gotta get to work now…blogging out!

M.

One Step Forward…How Many Steps Back?

The minute I think that I am doing better…here we go. I begin to think about the now named poophead. Today I am feeling so silly, really not silly, but stupid. I was not paying attention. I was so busy trying to make it ‘work’ that I was not seeing…hey this is not what I want…this is nothing that I want. The days of him and I were  long over and I refused to pay attention. So, I feel like an idiot, a fool. And now I am pretty scared to be out there. But I need to be or I will just continue to obsess over this whole situation.

I have not been looking at him on Facebook, but it is still difficult to be on there without thinking about him. He has become like a habit. And one that I am desperate to shake. Every time I think about him, I feel more and more foolish, like was he just laughing at me? Never thinking about me? Humoring me?  Clearly he was leading me on until something sparked his interest came along. At least now, I have no doubt that he will do the same thing to this girl. So forget poophead for the moment…

There is this new potential. We are set to possibly go out Tuesday…he asked me out for Saturday but I am going out of town for the weekend. So props to me for not canceling my plans to meet him. He has been divorced for eight years and has been out there in the dating world for a long time. He has told me that he has only had two brief relationships..but I have a feeling there have been a lot of first dates…he seems a bit gun shy, but my walls are up…it is hard because I have this overwhelming desire to get very caught up in him. Poophead and I did that…we are very similar in that way, we like to fall. The only thing is…he has yet to initiate any contact on his own. He always responds and is funny and direct and sweet. My feeling is after being out in the dating world for so long he has probably learned a lot about how to do this, whereas I have only been out here for a year and that whole time I was ‘with’ poophead. Now, of course I can be introspective and see what I did and what I don’t want to do again. And certainly getting too cutesy too quick and developing any sort of expectations too soon is not the right way to go. The only place to go is down, as my coach would say. So as I understand this, slow is the best way…evolving, developing, meeting is a great start. Poophead and I were already so to speak dating before we even were able to meet face to face..we were already attached…I mean on the second date he was already saying he could fall in love with me…I was like…you don’t even know me. But then I lost my senses and got all caught up. Silly stupid school girl. So at any rate…this seems like the right way to start, but I am so impatient that it is bugging me and I feel like I am getting itchy for some attention from him. But again, no attachment until we at least meet face to face. He is being smart and cautious. So on that note…I am going to try to sleep and breath.

More blogging later…

M.

Another day…another tear.

Hello gentle readers…

Well, I had my coaching session today. I am feeling a little better today, it is difficult to examine myself…but I want change. I need change. I can’t keep going on like this. It helps to talk about myself and be asked questions. I read an article about how it is okay for a women to make the first move…in fact it is encouraged. One of the lines in the article said “She who hesitates is lost.”  I am finding myself wanting to move beyond the whole experience and stop hanging on to the poophead. My coach is slowly getting me to see how much I learned from my first experience in the dating world and how I know more of what I am wanting and looking for.

I did talk with someone. I think I am interested. And this is where I get confused. If he was interested in me…wouldn’t he be contacting me all the time? That is what the poophead did. Was that not healthy? How do I know? If I was the last to text…do I not text him again now? Do I wait and see if he bites? We did go back and forth a bit today…but nothing since around 1 today. My gut is telling me different things…text him now. Don’t text him. Give him a chance…if you text him again you will be bombarding him and look desperate.  I want to be with someone who is willing to put forth effort as well…so I am not going to text him again. If he is interested I will hear from him…fingers crossed. It would be great to keep my hope alive that there is someone out there for me.

My patience level is the size of a pea. I need to work on that. I need to be calm and understand that not everyone is so focused and has the ability to multitask. I can wait. I can do this. I really need to do this. For me. I can work on re-focusing my energy on me again…so much of the last 10 months are so has been on poophead. This blog has helped so much. Getting my feelings out. Letting it go.

Maybe I am moving onto my next adventure…and hopefully not my heart getting broken…again!

M.

It is one of those days

I have been doing not too bad…not today though. A friend of mine came over Friday night and we had a good time. We drank and I was pretty impressed with myself that I did not shed one tear or do anything stupid. I always have to remember that it simply does not matter what I feel, he does not feel that way anymore about “US” so me doing something or trying something is only going to make me look so pathetic. I began chatting with someone Friday night and then on Saturday (yesterday) we chatted all day. We played the game 20 questions and went back and forth. It was fun. We continued well into the late hours of the evening. It served not only as a great distraction but also gave me some hope that maybe there really is someone out there for me.

It ended a bit abruptly but I was thinking that it was pretty late and we had been at it all day. Thus far I have not heard anything from him today and as the day has gone on I am finding myself getting more and more down. I have had to hold back checking out the boys Facebook page..again I know I am not going to see anything on there that is going to make me feel anything but pain and sadness. Then my e-husband called our kids and basically hijacked my time and invited them over for some hours. They were all excited, I could not say  no.

Then a friend of mine called and he was telling me that he looked up his old boyfriend on Facebook and what a mistake that was…it has basically been going down hill. I canceled our dinner plans with my brother and his family, not in the heart or mind space for that now. I feel like I am having a huge pity party for myself, but really inside I know that I am grieving and trying to mend my broken heart. Is it that I am unloveable or is it my taste in guys? Is it that I want everything now and have no patience for evolvement or am I Just convinced that no one I really like or am attracted to would want me like that in return. This guy, the boy that broke my heart…was one of those guys. The total guy that I want to be with, that I am completely attracted to and look at where I am at now. Was that him or me? Somedays it is hard to tell. I want to sleep and cry and hide. Is it so wrong to want so badly to be loved? To want to be seen? To be touched? For something real? For someone to want to be with me, all of me and in my life? I am feeling the warm tears well up in my eyes as my heart is aching.

Now I am picturing the boy with his new girlfriend probably all cozied up on the couch together with all of their kids playing around them. That was never me with him. He did not want that with me. He never really loved me. Maybe he thought he did for a millisecond, but he did not. I made a huge stupid fool out of myself. Scooping up and believing everything he said to me and refused to pay attention to the lack of action he was showing. See I just don’t know and I guess that is my lame excuse. I have never ever experienced any sort of healthy or real relationship. Not like you see on TV or the movies or read about in books. Not what my parents have still after 50 years of marriage. I don’t know. I don’t understand that kind of situation. My marriage was not like that. I really really really wanted this relationship to be different. I hoped and I prayed and I tried. I dreamt, I imagined. But nothing worked.  And here come the hot tears, pouring down my cheeks.

Am I not worthy of love? Is there something inherently wrong with me? Am I too much? Am I destined to look outside of love and want and reach and never get there. I feel like I am standing outside of a window sometimes looking in at love and it is taunting me. Like everyone knows this secret or there is a club and I am not invited.

I am sure I have said this before but it is really difficult to have so much love to give and not have anyone want it…at least someone that I would want back. And now that girl is with him and getting to be in his arms and talk with him and be in bed with him and sleep with him and I am here crying typing into my computer alone…with my broken heart.

M.

I Caught Myself

I almost texted him this morning to tell him I miss him. I almost forgot that he said that he does not feel that way about us anymore. It does not feel real or true. It just does not add up, but I guess in a lot of ways neither does he. Constantly sending me mixed messages. Lots of words, little action. It is so weird. I miss him. Or do I just miss the idea of him. Having someone?

I am glad I stopped myself. My coach says that just because I have a feeling does not mean I need to act on it. Being impulsive has not served me well. I would much rather choose to be proactive than reactive. I am so tempted to check his Facebook page. Even though I de-friended him, I can still see if he updates his profile pic and his basic information. I want to see that relationship status. But why? Whether he is with that girl or not…it does not matter, because again…he does not feel that way about us anymore and as he said he is not that man. So he was pretending, he was lying, he was faking it? I just was not the one for him at the end of the day and he was not good for me either. He did not bring out the best in me. He did not want to be a real part of my life or get closer or connect. It was me once again trying to fit a square peg into a hole. As my friend says, I just really wanted him to be the one. But at the end of the day…it is a no. And that makes me so very sad.

I want to go to that place and start to wonder what is wrong with me? Why wasn’t it right? It felt so right in the beginning and when were together…or parts of it did. I was always so nervous to rock the boat. To be honest fully. To show him myself. I obviously there was a part of me that knew I should hold back. That this was not the person to let go with. I wonder now if that was the reason why. But I don’t think so. I wanted to. It was him. I am just so wanting to meet my penguin. I want that happiness, that partnership, and dammit…why couldn’t it be with him?

I have been in a lot of unhealthy relationships, including my marriage. I have never been in anything healthy. I don’t even know what it is like. It is sad really. Really sad. I thought that maybe that this was him. So I must have done something to fuck it up. But that does not make so much sense. The guys I have been with before did things differently. They never came at me so directly through my heart. This guy…actually came to me through my heart and broke it and then pussied away to someone else! I say again, who does that?

Son of bitch!

M.